Hunt for Hooters and Save the Ta-tas!

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It’s October, and that means several important things are on the calendar… Halloween, obviously.  My excuse to wear slutty costumes without people questioning my morals, sanity, or maturity.  (Go grocery shopping while dressed as ‘Snow White’, ‘Naughty Nun’, or ‘Raggedy Girl Doll’ any of the other eleven months of the year.  People will look at […]

Tart in Tartan

Really?  That’s the best title I can come up with?  I’m so glad some days that this is a free blog, because I would be seriously embarrassed if I was charging for these verbal pearls…

Oh, the glamour and glory of a new shopping expedition...

Oh, the glamour and glory of a new shopping expedition…

Although speaking of verbal pearls, I apparently had a good one earlier in the week…

Once upon a time, Byron and Marianne Oldham were regulars at Giovanni’s, probably eating there two or three times a week.  They were a sweet, older couple, and all of the waitstaff adored them.  (Before you ask, like most of my stories, the essence is true but the details probably aren’t…)  Mr. Oldham’s health was definitely shaky, and it was a real strain on Marianne to take care of him, and gradually they quit coming by as often, but Marianne would come by to pick up carryout and take it back.  So everyone was surprised earlier in the year when it was Marianne who died of a sudden stroke and Mr. Oldham continued schlogging along.  If you know the restaurant industry, you will recognize just how special Mrs. Oldham must have been that almost a dozen of us, self-absorbed drama queens that we are, nevertheless made it to the viewing.  Byron isn’t allowed to drive anymore, so we only get to see him now if a friend or family member takes him out.

So it was quite a treat when I got to serve Byron and the entire clan Oldham for lunch last Tuesday: three sons, two daughters-in-law, a nephew, and five grandkids, who technically should have been in school, but were allowed out because the family had finally interred Marianne’s ashes that morning.  I grabbed some beverage napkins and stood by the edge of the table and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Byron doesn’t see very clearly or move very quickly.  And his daughters-in-law were hovering, shooing the grandkids this way and that as they arranged the family optimally, and then had Byron move from the head of the table, closest point to the door, to the center of the side of the table so that he could talk with more of the family.  By the time everyone was in position, I could feel my hair turning grey.  So my initial greeting to the table was, “Now that every one has gotten comfortable, when I yell ‘Chinese Fire Drill’ everyone needs to get up and swap seats.”

I didn’t think much about it.  Just another example of my dry and snarky sense of humor.  If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have made the comment: In my own quiet way, I was poking fun at how long it had taken everyone to sit down, and because I really sincerely like Byron, and liked Marianne, I should never have made fun of either his infirmity or his family.  Once again, my trademark poor impulse control had reared its ugly head.  Fortunately, because it’s obvious that I do like people and because I smile and invite people to laugh along with me, I generally get away with it.  The Oldhams chuckled, I made a little small talk, and then started taking drink orders.  A fairly typical interaction, and I didn’t think about it after it was done.  And as the week has unfolded, I’ve learned that the staff members who overheard me have been sharing with everyone else the ‘You’ll-never-believe-what-Emily-told-a-customer-this-time‘ story, and that I’ve been the laugh of the day, and the thought that makes coworkers smile when they’re feeling stressed.  No problem, that’s something I generally try to do anyway, but I’ve been a little flustered to hear it because like I said, this was just me-off-the-cuff, not intentional comedy….

Drones?  Attack plants?  Did any one consider just putting a sign up?  You know, like the one I just walked past…oh… is it too late to say I'm sorry?

Drones? Attack plants? Did any one consider just putting a sign up? You know, like the one I just walked past…oh… is it too late to say I’m sorry?

But that’s the thing about my sense of humor.  I’ve long known that my mind processes differently from those of people around me, and I cheerfully tell people that I tell jokes purely to amuse myself and if any one else is also amused, that’s just a bonus.  I honestly don’t know how much of my unique sense of humor is the end result of growing up around a few other ‘unusual’ specimens of humor, how much is a by product of a highly verbal processing and learning style, and how much is a side effect of my ADD.  For that matter, I have one coworker who as we’ve discussed last year’s discovery of ADD, has strongly suggested I should take some online tests for Asperger syndrome.  There is a whole cluster of semi-related conditions- ADD, OCD, autism, etc, that correlate with social awkwardness and a different style of thought.  I’m 100% certain to be some where in that cluster, although at the high-functioning end of the spectrum, and Valerie thinks the overlap between Asperger and ADD, particularly in light of my lack of a hyper component to my ADD and of my difficulties in emotional interactions, means I should get a second opinion on whether I possibly have Asperger instead of ADD or have both with ADD helping mask the Asperger.  (Just as one of the reasons I was never diagnosed as an ADD child when I was in school was that I was also gifted, and the signs of my add- hyper focus on certain activities, boredom and ease of distraction, poor impulse control, etc., were blamed on giftedness, because the line between genius and insanity is often blurred.)

(Speaking of the difficulties of giftedness, let me briefly plug the new show Scorpion.  I had seen the commercials- CBS has hyped this show a lot so far- and they had not shown enough to necessarily catch my attention.  After the pilot episode, three close associates- one family member and two coworkers- called me to tell me I had to watch the show because it reminded them of me.  I don’t see it- I’m neither as brilliant nor as socially awkward as any of the geniuses on the team.  If I was anyone on the show, I would be Paige, the spunky waitress who ends up on the team by being in the wrong place at the right time in the pilot, who brings a measure of heart, common sense, and intuition to the team.  Still, the stories are enjoyable.  The genius are cool in their dorky way.  It reminds me a lot of the first season or two of NUMB3RS, when the math, though glossed over and cinematized, was part of the story of how a professor could help the FBI.  Hopefully Scorpion will get the same loyal following NUMB3RS had, and hopefully Scorpion will not devolve into a soap opera about those lovable crime-fighting geniuses which is what I felt NUMB3RS did when the writers ran out of math topics to explore…  For now, however, Scorpion displays an intelligence and insight into the pros and cons of genius that is fascinating, and I cannot tout it enough!)

I was looking for the Enchanted Forest, but all these damn trees got in the way...

I was looking for the Enchanted Forest, but all these damn trees got in the way…

Regardless of what may or may not be going on inside my head, I do have my every-post obligation to report what’s going on inside my style card, so here goes:

  • Shape: Penny Twins Month 6, by Baby Bumps  (No, I’m not having twins, and I refuse to have twins.  But I figure month six twins ought to be about the same belly size as month seven solo, and I’m trying to keep some variety in my shape while staying mostly pregnant.)  (And you thought a girl couldn’t be ‘mostly pregnant’, hah!)
  • Skin: Vodka Pale, by Egoxentrikax
  • Tattoos: ‘No tat here’ tattoo by i <3 13; Ataciara Makeups: Freckle Face, heavy by Plastik; Nature’s Kiss Eyeshadow and Liner- Leaf by Body Bazaar; Music Arm Tattoos from Crickets
  • Hair: Palomma/ Red2 from Dark Mouse
  • Outfit: ‘Tartan’ Dress from i <3 13; includes the fishnet stockings, and goes great with Prozak’s red leather kicks, my favorite ‘kick-ass-and-I-don’t-need-no-stinkin-names’ boots…
  • Accessories: Razor Wire Bangle from Grumble, Grumble; source unknown nose ring and black flexi armbands; ‘Nerdy Glasses’ from Envious; ‘Kiss Me’ headband from {le fil casse};

I will confess, I’m starting to feel frustrated by all the pretty outfits that just don’t fit on a heavily pregnant shape.  I’m laughing at myself as I whine.  After all, I’ve already taken off my pregnancy a couple evenings in which I was moved to post about mesh outfits, and that’s an option most women don’t have.  In fairness, however, since my pregnancy is a sympathy pregnancy, I didn’t get the joys of the conception and I don’t get to keep an actual baby either.  Since I’m missing out on both the beginning and the end of this pregnancy, I can rationalize a few perks for the middle portion without any guilt at all…  Speaking of rationalizing actions I should feel guilty about, I ordered a box of babies from market place so I have some nice props for posing once I finish out my pregnancy.  Let me repeat that.  I ordered babies online, knowing that more likely than not I will only take a few selfies with them and then put them in my inventory closet to sit and gather dust while I forget about them.  Just how effed up is my life that I can say that?

I’m going to shake my head at myself, and leave you with a song that is probably more about me than I want to admit…

Why Do People Change?

This gallery contains 5 photos.

So late last night, (or early this morning, it’s all in perspective), several coworkers and I held an impromptu philosophical forum.  That is to say we all gathered on the porch of Madi’s new apartment and bullshitted about life, the universe, and everything.  As is customary for such forums, there was much smoking and drinking […]

Goddess of Fertility

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At the thought of being a fertility goddess, I couldn’t decide which warning would make the better subtitle: “Be afraid; be very afraid.” or “Be aroused; be very aroused.”  Like many of my more whimsical thoughts, this thought almost even makes sense once you see the straws my fevered brain has been spinning into bricks. […]

Off my Leash at Off the Wall…

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As I was waking up this morning, I heard an ad on my radio for ‘Off the Wall‘ so I got dressed and decided to check it out. I’m not sure what I expected.  I’m pretty sure what I found was unexpected.  (Of course, I also did not expect the Spanish Inquisition.  Apparently one should […]

Devil with a Pink Dress On

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Sure, right now you are probably thinking, “Wait a minute!  Isn’t the song ‘Devil with a Blue Dress On‘?” Well, yes, the song, Shorty Long’s unremarked 1964 debut single, more popularly covered by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels in a medley with Little Richard’s Good Golly Miss Molly, refers to a blue dress.  But […]