“The Slife is strong within you, grasshopper.”

Posted: September 8, 2013 in Monday Meme
Tags: , , , , ,

I fell asleep after reading Strawberry Singh’s latest Monday Meme about the ancient lore of Windlight Settings.  Because of the meme, or possibly because of the large pizza with mushrooms, extra cheese, candy corn, and fried onions, I had very strange dreams…

“Master?”

“Yes, Grasshopper.”

Resting after a hard day of training...

Resting after a hard day of training…

“I found a hologram- say, why do you call me ‘Grasshopper’?  I suppose it’s not bad as nicknames go.  I mean, it’s better than ‘Puddinghead’, ‘Nebbakaniah’, or ‘You stupid bitch’, but not as cool as something like ‘Ninja X’, ‘Le Batard’, or ‘Her Mighty Grace, Empress Emily Marik, Supreme Ruler of Neverland and Destroyer of Hearts’ would be.  Plus, grasshopper isn’t really any easier to say than Emily: they are both three-syllable words so it’s hard to argue that Grasshopper is any sort of diminutive.  Not that ‘Her Mighty Grace, Empress Emily Marik, Supreme Ruler of Neverland and Destroyer of Hearts,’ wins any points for shortness, but it makes up for it with major league coolness points.  Grasshoppers aren’t really noted for cool.  Actually they aren’t really noted for anything.  So why grasshopper, Master?”

“Grasshoppers leap from place to place, yet lack the discipline and focus of the humble ant.”

“Is there some sort of Zen wisdom hidden in that metaphor?  You know I hate metaphors.  If I had two metaphors, would that be a meta-eight?  Ooh, that’s sparkly!”

“I see you failed to take your medication this morning, Grasshopper.  Focus your inner mind and strengthen your Chi.  The Slife is strong within you, but you must use the Slife to bring joy and beauty to peoples lives.  Now focus, Grasshopper!  You mentioned a hologram that lead you to seek me.”

“Hologram?  Oh, yeah, that hologram.  There was this girl with two cinnamon rolls on her head and a chain mail bikini.  With a fashion sense like that, she obviously spends her time isolated from common people so I figure she must be either a princess or a psych ward escapee.  Maybe both.  Do psych wards have princesses?”

Me and Quagmire the Hutt

Me and Quagmire the Hutt…

“Tell me about the hologram, Grasshopper.”

“Typical Cambellian call to adventure, really.  The psych ward princess must be trying to get pregnant, because she said Obi-GYN was her only hope.  Then she asked me to come and save her from an evil overlord who would turn out to be family, find some droids who were not the droids I’m looking for, meet some scruffy nerf herder who looks like a smuggler, go dumpster diving with a tentacled horror, and drive a star fighter through a maze of twisty passages, all alike, so that I could do some demolition on a really big space station.  Oh, and I was supposed to give my master a warning that my quest would end badly for him, but it would made OK by some cheesy special effects.  So can I go on a quest?  Huh, huh, can I, master?”

“You are strong in some of the ways of the Slife, Grasshopper, but there are still more ways to learn.  Yes, I’ve taught you how to change your look and style.  I see that today you are wearing the JeannieSmallBCup shape from Alady Island, the Sari skin in ‘spice’ from Button’s, and Calla’s ImSoElegant hair in Strawberry Blonde.  But prove your mastery, tell me more, Grasshopper!”

“OMG, master!  That segue was hardly awkward at all!  I confess I am not certain of the source for this very cute Osaka Nights mini-dress I’m wearing, but by using the Slife, specifically a search of the market place, I have decided it was a hunt gift from Kastle Rock Couture since the top and pattern are very similar to this sexy Osaka Nights full dress they sell.  Since you have taught me the importance of accessorizing, master, I also added some white lace stockings, jewelry from the JKTrends ‘cotton candy’ collection, and nerdy sunglasses from Envious.  And of course, I love my red leather kicks from Prozak, so I often wear them when it’s inappropriate to do so.  After all, there is no ‘try to look cool’ there is only be or be not, and I be cool.  So am I ready to quest?  Am I ready for Questlove?”

Hmm.  I wonder what THIS button does...

Hmm. I wonder what this button does…

“Are you ready for Quillivant is more like it, Grasshopper.  Before you go on a Cambellian quest that will turn me into a disembodied voice that tells you when to use the Slife, you must construct your Windlights-Sabre as taught by the true mistress of the Slife, Strawberry Yoga-rt.  (ASIDE: That’s right, two bad Star Wars puns and an even more awkward transition.  This is the extra cheese on that pizza!)  To truly master Slife, to get maximum power, passion, and ‘whoa, that’s cool’ factor from your snapshots, you must master the Windlights-sabre!”

“Waahh!  Master, that’s so unfair.  I use wind lights when I take snapshots, but I use them like a monkey with a typewriter… I randomly push buttons and hope that art comes out.  Do you know, Master, that if you filled a room with an infinite number monkeys writing on an infinite number of typewriters, you would get a really bad smell long before you produced the works of William Shakespeare?  And if you produced the complete works of William Shakespeare, you would still be incomplete because the complete works of William Shakespeare always forget to include William Shakespeare’s Star Wars just because it is technically by Ian Doescher?”

Windlight fog helped make this picture...

Windlight fog helped make this picture…

“Grasshopper!  Take a deep breath.  Take a shot.  Take a nap.  Take something!  Take anything!  Focus on your Windlights-sabre, and calm down.  Imagine the voice of Strawberry Yoga-rt in your head- I tend to imagine it as a very sexy contralto with just a faint hint of East Coast in her accent, just because I don’t actually know how it really sounds so I get lots of artistic license.  Imagine Strawberry asking about the Windlights settings you use for your snapshots.  Imagine her asking once for portraits, once for full body snapshots, and once for landscapes.  Imagine her asking you to take your robes off and …”

“Master!”

“I’m sorry, Grasshoper, I get all distracted when I think about Strawberry.  It’s a little bit creepy, which is why I ended up exiled to remote sims like the Moon of Endor, far from her usual haunts.”

“Oh, I thought it was just because it was nice background for snapshots.  Master, almost all of my snapshots are full body shots.  Occasionally you have me take a close up or a landscape, because being strong in the Slife means having a keen eye for the beauty that fills the multiverse, but when I am focused, the Slife calls for pictures that show my quirky fashion sense and pictures that record my actions and explorations in this crazy place.  Portraits don’t necessarily show what I’m doing or wearing.  Landscapes don’t show the detail.  Full body is the way of focus.  There is no try, after all, there is only do or do not.”

I don't remember a subway on Tatooine...

I don’t remember a subway on Tatooine…

“Good, grasshopper, you are showing focus.  Which Windlight settings do you use?  Have you found any tricks you like to use?”

“I’m sorry, Master, I’ve got no good answer.  I tend to use Strawberry Singh’s setting or Nan’s optimal skin because I believe they are intended for picture taking and making my skin look good.  I don’t really know what the various sliders do, so I tend not to mess with them much and stay with the settings as loaded.  For this blog, I did more random button pushing, but the picture where I stand in the AT-AT wondering ‘what does this button do?’ really does capture me with the Sky and Water editor controls… push or slide, and see what happens.  As far as tricks go, I don’t have enough understanding to have a trick- particularly since I don’t have good spacial envisioning.  I can tell, for example, that the East Angle slider has something to do with where map direction ‘East’ and sun-direction ‘East’ meet, and what sort of angle there is between map and sun East.  I can produce side lighting by pushing the slider to one end or the other.  I’m not really sure however, whether I’m moving my personal sun when I slide the slider, and if so am I sliding it on a straight line, around an arc passing through up, around an arc passing through north, or am I doing something else entirely that I’m thinking about in the wrong way.  I’m sorry, Master, but I am not yet ready for my Windlights-sabre.”

“And just as ultimate reality is the flowering hedge around the privy, the philosopher’s first step to wisdom is when he admits he lacks wisdom.  You have finally taken your first step, Grasshopper!  I am so proud of you!”

I may have mixed my settings a little bit...

I may have mixed my settings a little bit…

“And look Master, I just found a shiny sword and a sparkly gate!  Now I don’t need to learn any wisdom, I can just rush off recklessly instead!  Isn’t that great, Master?  Master?  Why did you walk away crying, master?…”

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